A feeling of everything at once...

Today I'm lost, happy, sad, confused, hurt, and much much more. This is the way I've been for a long time. One person in my life changed a lot in my life. For someone who I hardly see, they have sure made an impact on my life. That is where the sad and confused part ties in. I just don't understand a lot of the things, people, changes, places that were put into my life. I guess they are not meant for understanding. They are meant for learning lessons. So how do you get rid of a feeling that makes you hurt so much?

I used to be this happy, goofy, careless girl who EVERYONE loved to be around. Not so sure what exactly happened, but I do know that I can never be that girl anymore. So much has happened in my life (in only 3 years) that my personality and point of view is forever changed and has been molded into something much greater. I have lost many friends my own age because they are still all about having fun, and doing things with a carefree attitude.
Myself.... I have no interest in those kind of things. I am constantly in a serious mode because of my little girl, and my husband. Those two people are the main characters in my story here. DO NOT get me wrong, I do have fun. I ALWAYS have a smile on my face, and I'm one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I'm not very mean, and if you're mean to me, I let it slide. But the goofy, carefree girl has left my body. Because I am a mother, I care about every little thing I do because I want to set a good example for my daughter.

At this very moment, I am sad. Sad that the people who I thought were "here" for me, aren't. I have this one "friend" who I was trying to rebuild a friendship with. But it turns out, it can never be rebuilt. The definition of a friend means being able to say ANYTHING to them without the fear of judgment. Being able to hang out with them knowing that they would never say anything to offend you. Well this friend, I feel very upset around all the time. It's nothing but a silly game all the time. I'm tired of it. I have realized that ....



it takes time.
and usually more time than you're
willing to [wait around for].
but eventually you realize why
certain people from your past
didn't make it into your future.



I am just so tired of feeling I have to please everyone all the time. I'm not sure what the word "true" means right now. They say, family always has your back, but in my case, they don't. They say a true friend is there for you NO MATTER WHAT. I've only met one person like that. He knows who he is. Who is "they"? Who makes these rules? Where do "rules" of friendship come from? I'm just so sick and tired of rules, life, and everything about this world. I'm tired of being confused, hated, sick, tired, sad, ....

I'm done being the "go-getter". Meaning... if you want to be my friend, prove it. Because right now, I'm hurt. My life has been through a big batch of thorns, but I'm still here...obviously for a reason...