Stuff

It's been a while since I've written in here.... a lot has happened. A friend named Sue, who has been in my life for quite some time, has recently showed me what a real friend could be... and it's not her. From 2000 - 2005 her and I were VERY close. We did EVERYTHING together, and were always there for each other. My senior year in high school, I got pregnant... I lost all my friends.. including her. She swears it wasn't because I was pregnant, because she says she was there through the pregnancy, but I remember sitting at my house just wishing my best friend was there...when really she was with her new best friend. It hurt.
Ever since I had my daughter which is almost 2 years now, Sue and I have lost our , once known as, friendship. Now it's "I'll see you sometime soon" but that is rare.

I personally have been trying SO hard to keep this friendship going as long as I could, but it just seems as if she has something to say about things I do in my life, none of which are good. To her, my life is not how it should be... I don't understand that because my life is much better (organized) than hers. I've grown up... she hasn't in my eyes.

I wrote her a email telling her that if she wants this friendship to continue, it has to be up to her because I did my part, and it wasn't working. So I guess we will see what happens.

As much as I just want to let it go, I can't. So much has happened in the years I've known her. She has made me realize so much in life, good AND bad.

Family (continued)

Family: will never have my back.

Brandon and I are officially the biggest screw ups in BOTH our families now.

What did we do? We're 20 years old. Young... married...have a child...can't be a two places at once. We are learning.


VERY upset right now.

Stuff

I think I have finally figured out my definition of life.


We all hear the expression, "Everything happens for a reason". Well for me, that is the one phrase that gets me through this life I live. I find myself questioning myself on many , "what ifs".
That is the worst thing any human being can ask themselves. There is no such thing as "what if."

I ask myself what if Carly was never here, what would I be like? Does is really matter what I'd be like? The answer to that is, no. God put Carly into my life for a very obviously reason. She brings joy to my life. She sets me strait.

A friend of mine is going through a break up. He told me he wishes he could have maybe done things different. Why worry about that? Yes, it hurts. You miss your love.

You obviously didn't do things different because God did not want you to do things different. This is what God had planned for you. Never question your life. Your life is NOT a guessing game.

The way I look at life is: Life is a one way path. You might stumble and fall on your journey, but that path does not end. It keeps going as long as you want it to. At the very end of that path, God will be waiting for you to judge the way you traveled. Did you speed through life? Did you take short cuts? Did you doubt the Lord?


I was born into this earth for a reason. To be a lesson learner.

Many people question why I do not work. Well here is my most honest answer.

It's not because I don't have a car. It's not because I hate people. It's because I know that my job is being a stay at home mommy. It's what I'm best at. I was a natural at it. Just because I don't have a "job" does not mean I do not have a job.

My job is one of the hardest out there. I don't get paid money to be a 24/7 mommy. I don't get sick days. If I wake up sick, I still have to get up and go. I don't get vacations. I don't get to decide when I want to do things.

But let me tell you all something, this is the best job in the world.

2:44am, and my baby is sick : (

You will never know the kinda of "love" a parent has for their children until you have your own. It's a very powerful kind of love. Completely different kind of love than that of the normal "love" in our lives. It's the kind of love that is truly undescribable.

Carly is sick tonight. This is not the first time she's been sick, but it's the first time she's ever thrown up. (little tummy virus ish -lol) But seeing her get scared from throwing up and not know what is going on, is very hard to watch. I just wish I could take that pain and do it all for her. I CANNOT stand seeing my daughter/everything be in pain or scared. It rips me to pieces.


Carly is my everything. I don't remember what my life was like without her. It's almost as if I never lived without her in my life. She is the person who TRULY, COMPLETELY, LITERALLY completes my life. I wonder who I'd be with out her.

Many of my friends try and tell me "well you shouldn't or you should do this" etc... I just laugh and brush it off my shoulders because when you are a parents there are certain tips you just ignore because you know your child better then anyone else. You sort of just automatically know how to raise them learning right from wrong.


I am very lucky to have my daughter in my life. She has taught me things that NO ONE else could have EVER taught me.

I Love You Carly

Venting...

Well, lets see,
It's been a busy couple days. More stuff with my family has been bothering me. Just don't feel like I'll ever make them proud like they are proud of Kelly and Stacy. I can't help it if I don't have the richest boyfriend in the world. I can't help if I don't have the nicest/and most expensive things. I'm sorry that my friends are the most classy ones out there. All I know is that Brandon and I have something that Kelly and Stacy will NEVER have. And that's strength to deal with the most shittiest problems ever. Yea, Stacy went through what I went through, but honestly, not as bad. I'm not trying to compete problems here, because who would want to do that anyway.
In the 20 years that I have been alive, I have learned alot. A.L.O.T. Things I never thought i'd EVER learn. I know that you can't always fall back on family. I know that friends are NOT always there. And I know that love... is the most AMAZING thing in the world and CAN get you through ANYTHING. I learned that the world "hero" has many meanings. I learned that I can do anything I want to, I just need to get the motivation. I realized that I can try to tell myself not to "think" to much, but face it, if we didn't "think" too much, we wouldn't be who we are. I know that I love God, and he will always love me, but that doesn't mean I have to be this PERFECT girl. I will always make mistakes, just like anyone else. I will always know that deep down, I am a little worried about my future and I'll be thinking about it from time to time. But, I will also try not to worry about it too much. I think that we all need to slow down and just enjoy the world God put around us. That's all.

Something I don't talk about much.

This post will be about my dad. Since he's been diagnosed with cancer, I've never really talked about him or his cancer. Not because it makes me sad or because I feel bad, but because I'm not sure how to act, and I'm not sure what to say.
I wish there were awards for being a hero, because that is what my dad is. Since I was a little girl, I've been the definition of "daddy's little girl". What ever he did, I did, which is why I know so much about cars, sports, etc etc. Him and I used to go to movies together every weekend. He taught me how to throw a curve ball, how to shoot a basketball, how to hit a golf ball, how to drive, how to do pretty much everything. The one thing I remember most, is our long walks back in the woods. There is lots of woods behind my house and a path that leads through the woods to a farm. We would always make journeys back there, and pick the wild blue berry's and then just walk the outlines of the farm. I remember that most because of how free I felt back there. The conversations we had together were the best. The lessons I learned from him, I'll never forget. He is a VERY wise man. He is the ONLY man in my life that has never hurt me emotionally or physically.
I remember my first REAL breakup with my first REAL boyfriend... I was so upset. I cried and cried, and he just held me in his arms and told me, this is just a break up that will make you a lot stronger in the future.
I remember, one of the worst days of my life, ... My dad and mom called me down to the dinner table. I was about 13.

Dad- "We want you to know that I have been diagnosed with Cancer."

Me- "Why?"

And that is about all I remember of what was said. I remember being told he only had about 9 months to live. I ran upstairs to my room, blasted my music, and cried. I hate God for what had just happened. I blamed him for this.

It's been almost 8 years since his cancer was found. He is still alive. Not in the best of shape, but he's still speaking at the front of the church, he's still been teaching at his school. He's still been doing little construction projects here and there. He's one of the strongest people I know.


I realized I never should have blamed God for his cancer. His cancer only brought our family closer. His cancer made me know that there really was a God. His cancer made me into a better mother. His cancer has made him into a hero. A hero for going through all he went through but still being able to manage God, a wife, 4 daughters, 4 grandchildren, a house, a school, a church.... everything. He never gives up, never has, and never will. My dad is, and always will be my hero.


There is something I'm scared of. That is, what is going to happen when he's gone. My mom won't be the same. I don't think she'll be able to live with out him. They are very much in love. They are true soul mates. I catch them smiling at each other, for no reason, just because they love each other. They have grown old with each other. I believe in love because of my parents.

When my dad is gone, my world will be much different. MUCH. I won't wake up in the morning like I am used to. I won't shut my eyes at night like I always do. I won't be able to walk into my parents house with a true smile on my face. But I will be able to live my life knowing that he was in my life, and now it's my turn to share all our traditions with my daughter.

Whitney realized something today

Whitney realized something today.... So last night I had some friends over...another couple that Brandon and I have grown up with (they know who they are if they are reading this)

While they were over they helped me come to a realization. Though they don't know they helped me, they did.

My one friend, she has come along way... she used to be this closed shell that didn't really "have fun"... but now, she's older, and is WAY more open than she used to be, and I like that in her because she's finally confident in herself enough to be silly and sexy and NOT care about what anyone thinks. (the blonde is coming out haha)


She is acting , now, how I used to act when I was 17.


This is what I realized.... For the past couple months, Ive been listening to music ive never listened to before, talking and acting so mature JUST because I wanted people to think highly of me....

well (excuse my language) SCREW THAT.

I grew up knowing and learning about cars /trucks. I grew up LOVING racing, and mud. I grew up around country music. I grew up around lots of farms. I grew up horse back riding and getting dirty. I grew up loving the smell of horse manure. I grew up climbing tree's, getting sap all over me and not caring, working on cars. I grew up a major tom boy. That is what is REALLY inside of me.

I don't know why Ive been acting like this intellectual, mature, girl... because honestly, i HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!

So, I'm am proud to say that I'm bringing the "old" whitney out and just being who I was born to be! A tom boy lol

I can't help that I like country music and not that stupid silly shit. I can't help that I rather go see cars race and get all smashed up then go see a movie. I can't help that I rather be working under a truck than going to get my nails done. I can't help that I want a bronco jacked on 33's instead of a car. I can't help that I don't spend 3 hours getting ready. It only takes me 15 mintes (if that) and I'm out the door. I don't have to impress anyone, I'm married to the MAN of my DREAMS and he is really happy that I'm going to be myself for now on. I love you Brandon!!!


So, I want to thank my friends for showing me that I need to be myself..... and if I act too much like a tom boy... well shove it because that is who I am. I came into this world tom boyish, and I'm going out that way.

A feeling of everything at once...

Today I'm lost, happy, sad, confused, hurt, and much much more. This is the way I've been for a long time. One person in my life changed a lot in my life. For someone who I hardly see, they have sure made an impact on my life. That is where the sad and confused part ties in. I just don't understand a lot of the things, people, changes, places that were put into my life. I guess they are not meant for understanding. They are meant for learning lessons. So how do you get rid of a feeling that makes you hurt so much?

I used to be this happy, goofy, careless girl who EVERYONE loved to be around. Not so sure what exactly happened, but I do know that I can never be that girl anymore. So much has happened in my life (in only 3 years) that my personality and point of view is forever changed and has been molded into something much greater. I have lost many friends my own age because they are still all about having fun, and doing things with a carefree attitude.
Myself.... I have no interest in those kind of things. I am constantly in a serious mode because of my little girl, and my husband. Those two people are the main characters in my story here. DO NOT get me wrong, I do have fun. I ALWAYS have a smile on my face, and I'm one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I'm not very mean, and if you're mean to me, I let it slide. But the goofy, carefree girl has left my body. Because I am a mother, I care about every little thing I do because I want to set a good example for my daughter.

At this very moment, I am sad. Sad that the people who I thought were "here" for me, aren't. I have this one "friend" who I was trying to rebuild a friendship with. But it turns out, it can never be rebuilt. The definition of a friend means being able to say ANYTHING to them without the fear of judgment. Being able to hang out with them knowing that they would never say anything to offend you. Well this friend, I feel very upset around all the time. It's nothing but a silly game all the time. I'm tired of it. I have realized that ....



it takes time.
and usually more time than you're
willing to [wait around for].
but eventually you realize why
certain people from your past
didn't make it into your future.



I am just so tired of feeling I have to please everyone all the time. I'm not sure what the word "true" means right now. They say, family always has your back, but in my case, they don't. They say a true friend is there for you NO MATTER WHAT. I've only met one person like that. He knows who he is. Who is "they"? Who makes these rules? Where do "rules" of friendship come from? I'm just so sick and tired of rules, life, and everything about this world. I'm tired of being confused, hated, sick, tired, sad, ....

I'm done being the "go-getter". Meaning... if you want to be my friend, prove it. Because right now, I'm hurt. My life has been through a big batch of thorns, but I'm still here...obviously for a reason...

Recooperating

So, Saturday night, Brandon and I went out to eat at Pegasus in Malaga. We both got Veal Parm. But I got a soup for one of my sides. I got Shrimp soup. We ate our meals, left, picked up Carly from my moms house, and then went home. Around 12ish, I told Brandon that I wanted to go to bed because I felt sick. So we did. Well don't cha know, around 3am, I got up and threw up. I threw up every 15 - 30 minutes ALL night and ALL morning. When the throwing up finally slowed down, my muscle started to cramp up because of me being dehydrated. It was the WORST pain in the world. I rather have been giving birth to Carly all over again that ever be in that kind of pain. It was horrible.
This morning, I woke up almost 100% better. Finally ate something, and am drinking better. I'm just glad it's all over. That is the second time in 2 years that I've had food poison.
Brandon called Pegasus and don't them he wants his money back because I got sick, and they told him all they could do was give him a gift certificate. Pshh, like I'd ever eat there again lol. I guess it's better than nothing. So that's what has been up the past two days.

Ok, I'm actually writting something now

So, I'm home all alone today. I guess it's ok, because it gives me time to think to myself. Lately, I've been very appreciative of my life.

When I lived with my parents, all my friends called me rich, and told me I always got what I wanted. I will admit, I had it good. My parents were always there protecting me and keeping me loved and safe. I always had food, clean clothes, clean room.

Since I've had Carly, and moved out, I realized that life isn't about money and getting what you want. Life is about God, Love, Family, Friends, Laughter, Lessons learned, Giving, Forgivness. There is a lot a bout life that I still need to learn about, but from what I've went through I've learned what I needed to learn at this given point.

I've been from DIRT poor to poor. Right now, yes, I'll admit Brandon and I are poor as can be. But I KNOW God is looking out for us, because we're still healthy and alive...all because Brandon has an amazing family who took us in. It's a long story. Because of all we went through, I've learned to appreciate EVERYTHING I have. I don't have much, and most likely never will, but I LOVE everything I have. Just thought I'd share that.

Today...

To start off, Thank you Jim for making me think I need to do this. (lmao) Just another site to add to my everyday list of things to check on the internet.

Don't know how much I will write in this thing, but I will.